She loved me? (did she)…I loved her(for I thought that was love)…a beautiful school time romance….,but in my present frame of mind, I would rather say ,victims of the age old saga…..Childhood Crushes.
She was pretty…had a very beautiful voice which she flaunted with her singing prowess…and was weak in Maths…thank God she was…..for so was I…and thats why she came into life…Maths tution…the ideal place for a school time love story…..
Acquaintance nurtured into good company…that was followed by friendship… I liked her…the extrovert that she was....her non stop chirpy sweet talks…. Her smiling face.. . above all…. The way she treated me…it was the first time I felt that someone gave me some importance in his or her life… she asked me for my opinion for various things… was I that good? …whatever be it she made me feel special…made me feel that I was being LOVED….
What a strange feeling it was …. It was nice… still is a sweet memory…very sweet…
This friendship grew into a deeper stronger bond ….I should rather say our equation worked out in that mathematical environment…..
She was adamant on sitting next to me always…. I liked it
She collected and kept the wrappers of chocolates I ate..(childish)…but I started eating more of those…
She started introducing me to all her friends….man!! few of them were damn pretty…
She wanted to know a lot more bout me than any normal friend would want…
She wanted to know bout my family, friends, likes ,dislikes…and what not…
Well all this was new to me…. . it was strange but I loved this feeling… . was this love ?? does she really love me…oh man!! I was on top of the world….
With these thoughts in mind…I should say I became more fond of her. .more close… what to say all of a sudden I was too interested in maths classes…any extra class…I would be there on time…if not, well before time…
Valentines day …what better day than this to reveal your unfathomed love for your beloved….but is this ritual of PROPOSING to your dear one necessary???..
I KNEW SHE LOVED ME…then why??… but I guess some formalities are meant to be followed…atleast for the beauty in it…. So let this 14 feb be the most memorable one for me for ages to come….with such spirit in heart I went and expressed my feelings for her… I asked her …dearest “L” do thee love me???
That 14 FEB still remains a memorable one…..SHE SAID NO…..
N..O… what ??? did I hear her correct…. She loved me…I was sure about that…sitting through all those classes ,though I still was clueless about calculus,…. I was sure of this…she loved me…she loved me…….
I had been brought up being bestowed upon with more responsibilities than a normal kid of my age…maybe this helped my thinking mature faster than many…. I was taught never to cry over spilt milk…. I was taught that whatever happens in life..happens for good…you should learn from all your experiences and understand life…..
After that incident I learnt about new things like Infatuation, immaturity , crush….and what not…. I laughed at myself…. I thought she was childish…look who is talking??..... sheeeshhh… how could I ???? but better late than never… I even understood my feelings for her was something that almost everyone at that age develops… part of growing up….but she was mature enough to understand all that beforehand…man I liked her more….a great friend she has been….
I still continued to meet and talk with her….but just as a friend…rather a very good friend… I had shed all my infatuations for her and treated our relationship as just friendship…. I had moved on in life (though I didn’t know what it meant then)..
But now she was in love with me…. I didn’t realize it till much later…. Or rather I didn’t want to… she started bonding to me like never before…. It made me uncomfortable at times…she started becoming possessive about me and had lost warmth for all my other friends…..she was in love with me…truly ..madly…deeply… but she never told me so… maybe somethings are not to be said but to be understood….
All her dearest friends told me that she loved me..
My dear ones warned that she loves me
But she never told me….never….
Maybe she knew that I knew….but she never told me…
Time had come to say goodbyes and part ways… I had chosen a career in the Air Force and so had to leave the city almost like forever….. she wanted to do engineering and stay back there…..
She still meant a lot to me…. Though not in a way she wanted… I wanted to make this clear to her so that she too could understand that her feelings for me is nothing but infatuation….and move on in life…..
I met her for one last time (for a long time to come)… I told her that I didn’t hold such feelings for her…but that it was all just an infatuation I felt… and that…. What she is feeling is infatuation tooo…this is not the age for love…. We need to concentrate on our careers…atleast I had to…. Etc..etc…
I still don’t remember what all crap I had told her then… or if at all I told anything…. I used to be such a dumbo that it wouldn’t be surprising if I had sung the National anthem to conclude my speech…. I don’t remember…for I never wanted to….
But one thing I remember for sure is that I broke her heart…for I had seen those tears flowing down her cheeks…. I didn’t want to look into her eyes…..neither did she ……. I guess?.. but she cried ….. she cried aloud..and maybe said something to me…but her voice was swallowed by the buzzing traffic……
I had made her cry….. for what??? For loving me..??? should I have????/..but she never told me…..
But what about me…. ???/ had she told me once….???? maybe……
BUT SHE NEVER TOLD ME…..
And I was not ready to be in ambiguity forever…….
Was I wrong?????
23 comments:
No, you were not wrong! You did the right thing even it meant breaking her heart. Life's lessons are painful.
This was all about wrong timing and kudos that you got over her when you did.
Sweetheart, there never is a wrong in most things like this. Assumptions are to be avoided in relationships always. Confrontation- when even to yourself, is the most important thing. And brushing aside love- platonic or otherwise- an emotion that cannot be bought or bribed, should never be done.
You know what I'm talking. I think we need to talk. Maybe this weekend when I come home.
Sil : thanx...lifes lessons r actually painful....but not all i guess....
Payi : a talk.... am scared... dont scare me love ;-)
Now I know why the stocks went down!!!
V.C. : chetaaaaaa....athu enikkitonnu thaangiyathalley....
no u weren't wrong about that...but u ought to have told that to me in school days...now y wud u have not done that....but ur story can be Shah Rukh Khan's next film....u never know !!!
@jishnu : man i never knew i could get into scriptwriting....thanx... guess need to write mor SRK style stories..
hey jishnu is right abt the film....but i would like to be the heroine....and ofcouse the ending is gonna be different.....dont u dare break my heart...hehehee
Amy : no gorgeous.... me n break your heart...is it possible??:-)
hmmm well firstly she was more mature than u but then ur charms brought her to her knees:d..well mister master of it all.. u weren't wrong..love is not somethin tht u jump into..it is something tht u build and may take yrs..so even if u feel u've broken her heart at the end if she's the one for u it wuld last forever..but then u knw i never knew u had this part in u;)...always saw u as a shy girl ... hmm so u can open ur mouth huh??..i see the once lil man has finally grown:D
@liza : hey chech...Guess its the Nda effect.....boyz turn into men there...and mAN with a broken heart....who meeeeeeeeee???????
A study showed male to female ratio in
India is diminishing (in)exponentially..
I just wish God Almighty to put some some more males like you..With less competion I always feel better..:)..
@jitesh:...hey man....dont be a loser wen u finally feel u have won the competition
Loads and loads of suggestions and opinions...Phew!! r u really keen on knowing wot a load of crap others have to say....well in case u do...here's wot i say...U HAVE'NT GOTTEN OVER IT!!! AND I SAY IT TO BOTH OF U! Y PRETEND....and seriously....stop wallowing in self-pity,if thats wot ur doing ....Get over it and B the Man that U R...!!!
@raumkash....hey dear....hahahha..lol..cant say more...and dont let me....heheh
i know most of ur life , Man u r tougher thn wat u seem to b
@demino : da machu...thanx....
...katta machambi katta...ninte koode ithrayum kalam nadannittu enikku ippazhanu kryangalude kedappu manasilayathu....appo ini enna pokakkan pokunne?
@surej : venda mone venda... athu venda...
very nicely written . We never knowingly hurt anyone else but we do become the cause for unhappiness in someone else's life . Please draw strength from the fact that you were meant to serve a purpose in the life of another and she was meant to learn something from it . Try and forget it as that as there will be many instances in life where you will touch the life of another as long as what you do in every moment is life enhancing you have amde the right choice . Getting caught up in the past ( for any of us and many of us do that constantly ) is a sure shot way of ruining the future .
@Shruti...
hey dear...thanx a lot....
discovered ur blog via poornima's. Guess dis narration must have striked cord wid almost everyone coz we all thru dis sm time or other...nothing hurts more wen u have to let go of smthng u luv all coz of bad timing...bt ya timing is everythng some thngs u get over wid time...awsome naration :)
@ supernova......ty...timing...hmmmm...well i guess tats the key....
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